i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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