it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
