I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
you inspire me to be a worse person
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
