It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
