i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
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