okay pat passed out under dana's car
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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