so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
