Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
