last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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