I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
