You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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