You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
