I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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