My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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