I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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