Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
