Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
