Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
