drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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