If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
