how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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