Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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