Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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