This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
