Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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