Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
