How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
