Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
