I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
