I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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