I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
