I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
