I want to make a zoo with you.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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