Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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