Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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