I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
