I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
