Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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