I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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