i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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