I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
