I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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