Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
