No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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