its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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