And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
