we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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