My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
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