I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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