I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
