Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
